SELF LIMITING BELIEF.

All men are equal potentially. I believe every man has got what it takes to become anything they want in life. For several millennia, billions of people have lived and walked the surface of this planet earth, but only a handful has made trans-generational impact.

These great men that would never be forgotten throughout history had no additional physical features or special powers inaccessible to others who lived in their time and generation.

What made these great people stand out is what they did, but others couldn’t or wouldn’t dare to do. What these great men did and accomplished naturally shoots from their belief systems.

They were not special people, they were just normal people with exceptional beliefs, they simply acted on their beliefs, and they achieved greatness because, they believed in great things.

Many of us today do not have our personal philosophy about life. What does life mean to you? The whole idea of existence and the world you live in, what is your opinion about it? What is mankind to you? What do you think of yourself and your life and this world?

You see, what you fail to study you cannot understand, what you can’t understand you cannot comprehend, what you can’t comprehend you can’t master, what you’ve not mastered you can’t manage effectively.

The world offers everyman tremendous opportunities for greatness and glory. There is no limit to what you can achieve and accomplish. Nothing in this life is strong or powerful enough to stop or limit you.

You can do anything and achieve everything you want in this life. Whatever you think or say is impossible is exclusively your opinion. Impossibility is not generic; it resides only in the mind of individuals.

Like I’d always say, a mindset that dwells most of the time on challenges and limitations can’t go very far. A mindset that is busy thinking of possibilities and solutions to every challenge and limitation is unstoppable.

In truth there are no limitations confronting mankind in this life, what we call limitations are situations that have till now defiled solutions. As soon as there is a solution, it’s no longer a problem.

If a mind can conceive and create a heavy flying machine called the airplane that can despise the law of gravity, the mind can do great things!

 If the mind of a man can create a small device that can enable you hold conversations with anyone, anywhere in the world by just pressing some keys of numbers on this device called a mobile phone, the mind is unlimited!

If the mind can think up and create a screen called the television, that will enable you hear and see people thousands of miles away real time, then the mind is capable of anything!

The mind of a man has the power to think up, conceive and create anything. The extent of energy, development and focus a mind enjoys determines what a man can accomplish with his mind and consequently, levels attainable in life.

Your mind practically sets the limit for your life. This mind we hardly reckon with is extremely powerful; to the end that it fuels the quality of your life through your belief system.

In fact, what you believe is your reality, not the reality; reality is a relative term. What many think is impossible is what many others have accomplished seamlessly; it’s all in the mind.

Do you know your body reacts and respond to what you believe? Your body is not independent of your mind; your body has a way of responding to your belief system. What your mind tells your body is what your body does.

 I read a story recently about a lady who whilst a teenager used to be on the big side; she was fat. This made her so uncomfortable because many of her friends made fun of her and consequently she developed a low self-esteem.

In her late teenage years and early twenties however, she began to work on her weight through regular exercises and diet, in fact she wasn’t dieting, she was practically abstaining from food; anytime she felt she had eaten too much she would look for a way to throw up.

This continued for so many years and after a while her system just stopped retaining anything ingested. No matter how little it was she ate, she would throw up even if she didn’t want to; she had developed anorexia. It became a major health issue for her and she had to see a psychologist.

Anything you feel you can’t do today is only in your mind. Immediately your mind begins to consider the possibility of doing it, your body will naturally adjust to this new thinking.

Dear friend, what you believe today is absolutely an outcome of the information you have. The kind of information exposed to and stored up in your mind over the years determines your belief system.

The quality of information gathered and retained can also be influenced by your environment and those who raised you.

The quality of information you carry can also be influenced by your choice of media exposure. What you watch on TV, listen to on the radio, read off the pages of newspapers and magazines as well as the internet determines your mindset.

The quality of information you have can also be determined by your friends, mentors and religious leaders.

What you hear or read and believe will determine or shape your belief system, what you believe will determine what you do and how you respond to life issues, how you respond to life issues will determine the quality and value of your accomplishments.

Dear friend, the total quality of your life and your accomplishments today is an outcome of what you believe.

In a seminar I coordinated recently, one of the participants was telling the class he plans to celebrate his fiftieth birthday with a 25 million naira German SUV. Many of his colleagues were impressed by this ambition and felt it was a good dream, I didn’t comment on it, but in my mind I was wondering why you’ll want to buy a 25 million naira car at 50, what’s wrong with planning to acquire it at age 35 or before 40, why 50?

In my submission, a car shouldn’t be a major investment project for any ambitious, hardworking dreamer at 50. At 50, the challenge should be about multi-million naira investment projects in different ventures and sectors including owning a car manufacturing plant if you choose.

At 50 you should be living a life of investments, not primarily acquiring, buying a 25 million naira car should be something you would do on impulse at 50; it shouldn’t be a dream or a big deal! It’s all in your mind!

Dear friend, it is possible, thinking it’s an impossibility is absolutely a self-limiting belief.

When you limit yourself in your mind, you will miss and let go of the best opportunities for greatness and trans-generational achievements.

What you believe determines what you do or don’t do. What you believe determines how you plan your life’s journey, what you chase and your sense of urgency.

What you believe determines who you compare with, where you compete and how you compete. A man planning to be the president of a nation by age 18 should become a very active card carrying member of a vibrant political party. You don’t venture into politics at retirement and achieve much.

What you believe makes you great or small, what you believe determines who you envy and what makes you jealous, what you believe determines what you fight for, what kind of fights you fight and who you should ignore.

What you believe would determine you work-life pattern, your career path, and how you invest in you.

What you believe determines your daily activities and routine. For example I love football so much, but unfortunately I can’t create time for this entertainment because of my career type, my work demands and my ambition. Time is of extreme importance to me, I have to let go of football to move very fast on my dreams. I work for more than 12 hours every day and sleep for only about 4 hours, it doesn’t hurt me, even when I want to sleep I can’t, my body has adjusted to it, just like an athlete would train his body for superior performance; the body would naturally adjust to the command from your mind.

Many people have worked for so many years and in their minds have ruled out the possibility of becoming a senior staff, many have worked for years as managers and the thought of becoming a director is not on their minds, in fact many senior managers of mega establishments today believe they cannot become the MD CEO, in fact they feel they lack the competence or capacity to lead at that level, hence they have closed their minds absolutely to the possibility.

It’s amazing the number of intelligent and exposed employees with very small and conservative post retirement dreams. Most top women whom in their paid employment currently make billions for their employers want to open a small shop and do buying and selling after retirement. They tell themselves they will be too old and weak to do much and unfortunately, their bodies would agree and align with the thought.

How about establishing a multi-million naira business and engage people to run it? Why a small shop?

Dear friend, destroy every self-limiting belief today, there’s nothing you can’t do; the power is in your mind, what do you believe?

Written and Composed by: Muyiwa Afolabi (CEO Frontiers Consulting )

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KEEPING UP WITH EXPECTATIONS

As mankind, we are creatures of responsibility. We have a natural assignment to manage and administer the earth and the world. Every man is born into this system with the capacity to create and add value to life. No one just exits all through life without doing or accomplishing anything. Our attempt at creating or adding value in this world may not be at its best, but everyone is expected to contribute in one way or another to existence, survival and continuity.

It is therefore natural that as you grow and mature, everyone and the society naturally begin to have expectations from you. They begin to look out for your skills, abilities and capacities, hoping you’ll deploy all efficiently for the benefit of first, your immediate relatives and then the society at large.

Right from early childhood, you’re expected to do well in school, stand out academically and be ahead of your peers in performance. You attract commendation, rewards and applaud from all if you do well and you attract reprimand and reproof if you fall short on expectations.

Every parent expects their child to do well in school, it is their expectation; they believe if they will be investing for many years in the life of this child, that they love so much, this child must live up to their expectations. This child shouldn’t disappoint them and should grow up making them proud by fitting into their dreams for him.

By this reason we have been trained from childhood not to be selfish about life but to understand whatever we do or don’t do can actually hurt others, especially those who love and care about us.

Hence, we have a sense of responsibility and concern for others and we aspire daily to live up to their expectations; we don’t want to disappoint them.

The natural process of raising children imposes on the child first, the obligation to do what the parents or care givers want. This is because as a child, the intelligence, experience and maturity is lacking to make wise decisions and deliver excellent judgment on matters.

But as time goes on and this child attains adulthood, his own will and preferences should then be prioritized. Incidentally for many parents, they find it difficult to accept this reality, because children happen to grow much faster than parents expect, and no matter how old a child is, to the parents, they are still children and must be guided or controlled.

Any child raised with the mind to, at all times and in all situations obey the parents, that child may begin to struggle later in life with having a mind of his own. If a child has been raised not to, as it were, think but just do, that child is likely going to end up living to please people.

Children should hence be raised to have an opinion, be free to share their opinion and properly educated on the reason behind any advice and instruction so they can grow to think intelligently, not just obey any instruction from anyone either good or bad.

Many of us today practically live our lives to please, impress and meet up with the expectations of other people.

We are at the bottom on our priority list and we have unfortunately been raised and manipulated to think we don’t really matter as much as other people in our lives and sadly, we have been programmed for our joy to only come from the approval of others and meeting up with their expectations.

Unfortunately, victims of expectations of others never get to live their preferred lives and fail to fulfil their own dreams and purposes. They keep twisting and bending in order to impress and meet up and gain approval.

An extreme is when they even begin to pick up vices and very bad habits because they think it’s the ‘in-thing’ and if they don’t do it; the society would view them differently and reject them.

May I say to you this morning that many ladies today who dress indecently and don’t cover up appropriately don’t really intend to expose their bodies; they dress that way because it’s trending. And sadly, they have not been raised to have a mind of their own. They have been raised to follow the crowd.

Many people today who do drugs didn’t suddenly have a craving for drugs, they did it to probably gain acceptance by a friend or group of friends they desperately wanted to impress.

Dear friends, are you living another life different from what you really want? Do you make choices and take decisions considering what others feel first? Are you always the last on your own consideration list? Would you always give up your joy, peace, convenience, and desires to meet the expectations of people who don’t really value you or respect you?

Are you still trying to please your parents every time, hence displeasing yourself? Have you totally given up your person, your life, dreams and happiness to meet the expectations of your spouse? Are you desperately bending backwards to impress a boss who can hardly commend your efforts or compliment your good work?

Please understand, I’m not asking that you become inconsiderate and selfish. I’m only calling your attention to balance so as to protect yourself from the self-centeredness of others and their manipulative tendencies.

When people realize you don’t want to fail or disappoint them, they often use it against you and ask for outrageous favors!

Today you run around basically to meet up with several expectations from several people; your wife, your husband, your children, your subordinates, your friends, your parents, your colleagues, your relatives, your religious associates and even at times strangers. A common remark that is a pointer to this will to please strangers is ‘what will people say?’

Truth is many of us tend to keep up the smile and façade of being very happy and delighted with our lives, but deep on the inside, we feel low, down, and depressed. We yearn for freedom from living for others. We at times will think of calling the bluff of all these people but we lack the courage to pull it off.

We spend monies we don’t have, buy things we can hardly afford, and make promises we will really bend to fulfil because we don’t want to disappoint others.

You’re not enjoying your job, your marriage, your relationship, your friendship, and your life because you’re always making the sacrifice; you don’t want to correct things because you fear to offend the parties involved, you live for them and endure hurt and discomfort just to keep the peace.

Dear friend, don’t you think it’s not the way to live a life of purpose and great achievement when you live by the dictates of people who really don’t know and care less about your dreams and ambition?

Have you been raised to believe your life is but to make others happy even if it kills you? Are you living for others and not you?

Dear friend, I’ll want to this morning introduce you to a brand new person with expectations from you, that great person is you!

Dear friend, it is time to have expectations from you. You deserve to please and impress you too. You are also important and you owe it to you to also be happy and satisfied with you?

What do you want from you? How much of your income is for you; not your spouse or your children or that girl friend or boyfriend or relative or friend, how much do you intend to spend on you? You owe you money! You owe you time, you owe you attention, you owe you rest, you owe you vacations, you owe you pleasant moments, you owe you lovely clothes, shoes and body treatment.

Dear friend, don’t you suppose it’s time you meet your expectations from you as well?

What are those things you really want? Think about it, when do you want it? Plan for it! How well do you want it? Work for it!

For a season make you a priority, take care of you, love you seriously, prioritize you and treat you very nice.

You will consequently realize you can actually break free from the very absurd expectations from others and be your own person. If you treat yourself well, meeting your own expectations and rewarding yourself, with time, you will find it easier to be considerate and do stuff for other people as well without any grudges, bitterness or animosity.

Dear friend, for a season prioritize you and make others secondary; you’ll be very happy and you’ll earn the respect of others subsequently. Please keep up with your own expectations from you.

Written and Composed by: Muyiwa Afolabi (CEO Frontiers Consulting

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A LISTENING EAR.

Efficient communication is the most essential aspect of sustaining a great and enduring relationship. Communication is the oil of relationships. Without efficient communication in place, there’s bound to be frequent friction and misunderstanding amongst people and teams.

Many theories and thesis have been put together on this subject communication. Through history mankind has sought to understand how to better communicate, as the importance of clear, unequivocal communication would rule out retrogression, stagnation, and slow pace of activation and minimize conflicts and wars with mankind.

Communication for years has been and still remains a major subject in academic provision. Students and scholars must learn how to communicate effectively. The ability to conceive information, encode, relay, deal with interference, decode and respond correctly remains very important and relevant as a process to all, if we want to take maximum advantage of improved communication as mankind.

Beyond verbal, nonverbal communication must also be well understood for all to be carried along in commonness and clarity of purpose.

However, for many years, many of us have learnt to express ourselves to the best of our abilities. We, by default activate the communication process and seek to obtain the desired feedback from our respondents each time we speak.

Many have thus learnt to speak impeccably, clearly and eloquently. Our dexterity in conceiving ideas and conveying it in the most excellent manner has grown and is still growing globally.

We have in our world today, professional speakers, who have perfected the art of delivering ideas, concepts, opinions and views, so very clearly without ambiguity or confusion, even over electronic media where the opportunity for immediate feedback, response and clarification is not even so much in place.

The ability to express opinions expertly and succinctly has made audio and video coaching a viable approach to learning these days, thanks to the excellence and perfecting of expression.

All around the world, the power of speech and of speaking has made men relevant, popular, and even scored them as great leaders. The ability to influence people with oratory power is a must have for any leader who wants to go very far quickly.

Many today still covet that gift if it can be called a gift, many want to learn and know how to speak well, many want to learn to influence others by great speaking, we all want to improve our ability to speak clearly and be understood but, very few of us are actually interested in learning how to listen attentively and efficiently.

The communication process is a cycle where the ability to listen well is as important as the ability to speak well. No matter how good the speaker is, if we do not learn to listen, the whole process and purpose of speaking gets defeated.

Listening is one of the most difficult tasks men find to do. Many of us have not mastered the art of listening and in fact don’t even think it’s important to learn how to listen.

The greatest of our relationship challenges stems from our listening weaknesses. The reason why many argue and drag issues for so long is simply because during a dialogue or a negotiation; when they are quiet, they are not actually listening, they are waiting for their turn to talk, their silence is to give you an opportunity to be done so that they can express their opinion and not respond to your submission.

Because this is their frame of mind when you are speaking, they have blocked out whatever you’re saying, hence won’t consider it or see your point.

Many matters that ought to be resolved in 5 minutes can take 5 hours because the discussants are not listening to one another; they are busy trying to sell their opinion and view through oratory power.

Because winning and having their way is more important to them than welcoming and submitting to superior arguments, they keep looking for a loophole in your submission and they interrupt every time they feel you have said something in your advocacy they can use against your position.

It’s particularly interesting when you hear discussants in an argument in real life or over the electronic media the number of times you hear them emphasizing the word ‘listen, listen, listen first’ to one another it’s amazing!

As mankind, we love to talk, we find it hard to listen because we always assume we have superior answers, we just want to go and sell our view without considering the other party’s.

We also hate to listen and would reject the views of others because we may have guessed they have a superior argument that may affect our personal wish, interest and position so we want to block it out and pretend it’s not in question.

We also hate to listen when we are guilty about a matter and we don’t want to accept our guilt or take responsibility, so we choose to argue and refuse to listen. We also hate to listen when we suddenly discover we are wrong but feel too proud to accept our wrong because we are embarrassed about being wrong.

Many relationships have broken down, friendships destroyed, clashes erupted, and settlements and communities totally destroyed not because people can’t talk but because people do not listen.

Many of us today have lost great friends, missed great opportunities; destroyed our families and children because we don’t listen. We hate to listen, we love to laud our views and opinions over others even if it kills us; our will must be done! Our position must prevail...

Another very sad tradition prevalent in our part of the world is the pride and sense of superiority that makes listening to women and children belittling.

In our traditional lifestyles, women have no voice and children have no say, men hate to listen to women or children, they feel it is demeaning and unfortunately many selfish and abusive traditions have been enacted because women and children were not allowed to speak.

Even in some homes in our societies till now; I’m talking about very civilized, educated people, when there are squabbles or misunderstandings amongst siblings, some naïve parents insist the younger sibling must not speak and only the older one should speak and whether the younger one is guilty or not, has been cheated or not, he mustn’t speak, it is termed disrespect for a younger person to express views and prove an older person is wrong.

This archaic mentality some have transferred to the office environment where their subordinates should never speak while they’re speaking. Some bosses hate to listen to the views, opinions and ideas of their subordinates; they feel they know it all and nothing worthwhile or useful can come from the mouth of a subordinate.

They run the office the way the homes they come from is run. Sadly, many very wonderful ideas, solutions and ways out have been missed because of our inability to listen to others.

Listening is as important as speaking, great communication must balance the powers of speaking clearly and listening attentively, if you don’t listen, speaking has lost its power to produce.

Being a good listener is one of the best favors you can do you. When you listen, you become very wise and intelligent; you make brilliant choices and decisions, you win the confidence of others and enjoy the approval and admiration of many. Suddenly, you become a superstar because you have your own ideas and the ideas of others!

Paying good attention is the antidote to several conflicts, misunderstanding and even wars globally.

Your inability to keep friends and maintain good relationships may be traceable to your poor listening habit.

When you hate to listen, you assume so many things and create your own version of what you think happened which on most occasions is not the perfect picture.

Many marriages have crashed because of unconfirmed suspicion and the refusal to listen to the way things really happened, many employees have been unfairly dealt with and fired because their bosses wouldn’t listen to their own side of the story.

Generally speaking, our poor listening habit has been a major hindrance to individual and collective progress in life.

To be a good listener, you need to follow and master these great habits; they are as follows:

1.  Be attentive; don’t interrupt, listen till the speaker is completely finished.
2.  After the speaker is done speaking, pause, internalize, be sure you understand before responding.
3.  It’s possible to have an idea or clue as to what the speaker is talking about, don’t say what’s on your mind; what you’ve heard or what you    know about the matter just yet; respond only to what the speaker says first.
4.  Ask questions for clarification; be sure you understand exactly what the speaker is saying and what he means.
5.  Give a clear feedback in your words based on what the speaker has said not based on assumptions, insinuations and speculations.

Your ability to listen will greatly improve your relationship with others. It will keep you involved with other people and frankly you’ll live happier and longer. Learn to listen my dear friend.

Written and Composed by: Muyiwa Afolabi (CEO Frontiers Consulting

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A Must Read: Article: BREAK THAT BOX!

There is this popular saying that variety is the spice of life. The beauty, glamour and appeal in this life are very strongly tied to the awesome number of different things that make up our world. The birds, trees, rivers, stones, vegetation, animals, flowers and even the stars and galaxy; the ever changing weather, all make up the excitement and ever changing diversities that make our world go round.

The desert, the forest, the grassland, the Iceland, the urban, the rural, the cities and villages all have their flavors and uniqueness, hence making the world such a beautiful place. There is indeed beauty in variety. Even as humans we differ in our looks and appearances; difference in race, color, hair, eyes, skin, height and even gender is such an interesting and intense part of living that makes life enjoyable and worthwhile. I can’t imagine or picture a world where everyone and everything is the same. 

Can you really picture a world where only one type of every creature exists? Can you imagine a world where there is only one type of animal, one type of bird, one type of tree, one type of weather, one race, one culture, one language, one music,  everyone is the same color, same stature, same height and look exactly the same. Imagine a world where all humans are men – no women. How boring and uninteresting such a world would be. Variety indeed is the spice of life.

As beautiful as variety is and as much fun as we derive from having options and variations of the same sort to choose from, tragically, many of us can’t handle it when other people are different from us. This attitude may not be a conscious one but in life, many of us can’t actually handle and we struggle to tolerate others that are different from us especially in thinking, mind-set and orientation.

You see, we are all raised and brought up differently by our parents, relatives and influenced differently by the society. The processes, methods, procedures and values in life and of living vary from individual to individual. This may be as a result of our tribe, tradition, religion and family norms. All these factors of influence actually make us very different hence influencing the way we see life and deal with life.

From my personal experience as one with the privilege to have been born and raised in the northern part of Nigeria, while in the north I was raised with so much faith and belief that whatever happens in life, either good or bad, it is the way the almighty wants it to happen. Hence as a typical northerner I was more daring and confident, believing everything is in God’s hands. However when I relocated to the south, I realized a typical southerner is raised believing there are so many wicked and evil people around including close friends and members of the family with powers to harm and attack diabolically. Hence I’ve met and interacted with many overly careful, suspicious, distrusting and fearful - according so much respect to perceived enemies and evil powers. Many of them are given to religion but truly lack in morals and character. I believe for many, the base for their being religious is this fear and insecurity. 

Our upbringing, cultures, traditions, religions and experiences make us different; we see issues differently, judge differently, react differently and handle situations differently. I believe very much that these differences rather than bringing division should make us stronger providing a scenario where variety of ideas, knowledge and experiences can be pooled wherein the best of the lot carries the day and we all can subscribe to it and deliver the best in outcomes for the good of everyone.

Times are changing very fast, new ways of doing things become outdated so very fast if you’re not careful you’ll be as old as a dinosaur in your ideas and reasoning if you don’t keep up with the trend.

I can’t help but remember an incidence that occurred many years ago, my mother had just returned from the United Kingdom after studies in the early eighties, and she was suspended from the Choir in our church then because her hair was permed! In those days, permed hair, Jerry curls and Bob Marley braids were a huge, unforgivable sin – it was the height of worldliness. It was satanic, demonic and wayward. I look around today and see permed hair, braids; color one, color two, color four, color 33, color 99j attachments and even hair extensions worth hundreds of thousands of Naira with many religious and devoted people today and I say to myself … what a wonderful world. 

Times are changing, cultures, belief systems are changing making life easier, better and more interesting. The only aspect of our lives I’ll insist must never change, be compromised or diminished is our values, morals, good character and ethics – things if altered can bring about destructive consequences.

My dear friend, I want to appeal to you this morning that you should please get out of your box. Don’t expect everyone to be like you, think like you, understand like you, react like you and judge like you. You are not the standard of perfection because you also have many weaknesses and may be postulating ideologies that are quite retrogressive.

Judge every matter from the perspective of outcomes. Is the consequence destructive or constructive, will it make things better or make it worse? Don’t hold on to processes, methods and procedures because that’s the way it’s always been. Get out of that box and think differently.

Creativity, new ideas, innovation and speed rules in superior performance today. We are tired of that archaic way of thinking and doing things, ‘what’s new?’ should be your most frequently asked question. Be willing to learn new things, new ways and new methods. Please unlearn outdated ways and approaches in life.

I believe a major drawback in many developing countries when trying to justify their many errors and misconduct in nation management and governance is comparing themselves in age with leading economies and developed nations that they are much younger and nascent.

When America was 52 years old, there were no cell phones, internet, satellite television and this level of global interaction. Third world countries have an edge a very great one, developed nations today never had hence, age is not a good basis upon which the pace in nation building and development can be measured or judged.

My dear friend, don’t get stuck in your box, break that box and connect with the variety around you and in others. Accept others and see the good in them. Because someone is not like you does not make the person inferior or wrong, you’re just different.

Don’t expect everyone in your office, team or organization to think like you, judge like you and manage exactly like you, you’re all different. If you’re the prototype in your office and everyone in your office is your replica, that office I promise you is dead, because they will replicate your weaknesses and there will be an abundance of your strength. Variety is the fuel of any team or business.

As long as you do things my way I’ll accept you and be happy with you, is an unfair expectation from anyone and it puts pressure on the other person be it a colleague, a team mate or subordinate, even your spouse.

In life relationships are more important than accomplishments. Don’t destroy your relationships because you expect everyone around to fit into your world and your box, break out of your box, deal with the world as it is not as you want it to be.

Written and Compose By: Muyiwa Afolabi (CEO Frontiers Consulting)

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A Must Read, Article: TAKE THAT PAIN

It is not unusual to go through pain in life. If you’re alive, well and sane, you will definitely go through pain in life. Life as it were is not an experience absolutely devoid of negativity; disappointments, betrayal, injuries, accidents, loss and even natural disasters. 

 Life is not supposed to be painless, life is not designed to be painless, pain has its role in life, it is very necessary and useful because the best of ideas, solution, creativity, invention, innovation and fantastic answers to the problems confronting humanity is incubated in the womb of pain and birthed by men familiar with real pain.

Look through history, every man, every tribe, every nation, every family with reputation, respect, influence and power at a point went through tremendous pain. Pain is the process through which psychological, emotional and physical strength is apprehended. 

Pain is a prerequisite to power, without pain you cannot apprehend power. Power by definition is the ability to do things; the ability to perform, when you perform, you accomplish things, you deliver results, you provide answers. By implication, if you avoid pain you’re denying yourself the opportunity for greatness through providing answers and solutions.

Pain is discomfort of either the body, soul and or the spirit. When you are in pain your comfort is being displaced. It could be a physical comfort, emotional comfort, psychological comfort or even spiritual comfort.

Pain is when your ease is taken away, when you are not at ease in your body or soul or spirit; pain in my submission is the displacement of your state of ease; a situation of things being easy; hence pain is dis-ease.

Dis-ease is when you’re displaced from your state of ease; it brings pain through symptoms. Pain is therefore a proof or evidence that something is not in place, something is out of place, something has been dislodged and needs urgent attention, correction, improvement or solution. Pain motivates and pressures us to seek for solutions or answers to discomforts in our lives and with mankind. 

An athlete must endure physical pain and discomfort to excel, a student or anyone in career must endure psychological pain to succeed, a husband, a wife must endure emotional pain to succeed with family and a spiritual leader must endure spiritual pain; sacrifice, discipline to succeed. Success cannot be real if it’s not a product of real pain; it’ll amount to a fluke, it’s not sustainable.

For humanity to function as humanity and for mankind to rule as mankind, pain is essential to force creative thinking for inventions, productivity, security, administration, equity and justice.

Without pain, mankind is likely going to just exist without impact, without control, without fruitfulness, management and quality administration. Without pain, life would be boring, weak and flat; mankind would be so free of worries and fears and may consequently self-destruct. Pain as unpleasant as it may be is that tonic that adds real favor to life.

I want to believe every one of us at a point in time had to go through pain. Many in time past have gone through physical pain, we've being in accidents and sicknesses in time past. I remember very clearly about 8 years ago when I was in an accident; I fractured my left ankle and for several months I could not walk.

The pain for me was not just physical; I was under tremendous psychological pressure because by nature I can’t sit still, I’m a man who can’t help but be on the move all the time but due to the accident and fracture I was limited and restricted; how I hated those days. I was forced to remain in the same place for months but after that experience I was glad I went through it because for the several months that I had to sit still, I had no choice but to invest time in reading and studying hence I experienced tremendous growth in my mind and intellect. 

This opportunity may have eluded me without the fracture that forced me to sit down in one place. 

Many today have gone through very severe emotional pain; some of us are still going through. You meet a man or lady and fall deeply in love; you give so much and sacrifice everything for that person, you fight and disrespect other friends and loved ones for the sake of this person and on the account of this beautiful love you’ve found, then one day, he or she walks up to you and say it’s over! How painful is the pain of rejection; of love gone badly, of affection gone sour?

Many hardly ever truly recover depending on how deeply they were in love. Some find it so difficult to ever love or trust again, many take it out on innocent new partners; heartbreak, real heart break has no part two! 

Some have gone through the pain of divorce; you lose your spouse and sometimes your children, many have gone through the pain of betrayal by best friends, professional colleagues, spiritual leaders and mentors, your siblings and even your own father and mother! You hardly can recover from why people so close that you've sacrificed so much for can suddenly turn against you to hurt you and cause you so much pain and you didn't do nothing wrong; you've not wronged them in anyway. 

Many have suffered so much pain through loss, death of a loved one, a parent, a spouse, a child, a friend, a sibling or colleague. Many have lost so much money in business and investment, loss of property and assets to fire, theft or natural disasters, loss of a job; a good employment and loss of opportunities and advantages. 

With all these negative experiences comes pain. If it’s bad, it must come with pain but note, there is a purpose to every pain we go through in life as individuals, look for it and you’ll find it.

My main concern this morning is not just about pain, truth is there’s nothing we can do to avoid going through pain; my contest is on how we have been taught and advised to go through painful seasons in our lives.

I've heard so many counselors, advisers, friends, spiritual leaders and elders try assisting or encouraging someone going through a painful season. I often hear statements like, be strong, it is well, forget about it, be a man, it happens to everyone, there’s nothing new under heaven, you must brace yourself, life continues, don’t worry and other remarks as such.

In my opinion, every pain has a purpose and there is a need to recognize this and allow the pain to fulfill its purpose in the life and journey of the person involved.

In my opinion, rejecting the reality of any hurt or pain and trying to act normal by pretending you’re strong is not a sign of strength but cowardice. Only cowards flee from their realities and escape from their issues. A real sign of strength is not to escape the pain but to admit the hurt, experience it, endure it, allow it take its course and toll then get over it.

No one can escape real pain; you can only pretend or deceive yourself it’s not there. If it is there it will eventually manifest one way or the other. Many people today are angry, cranky, emotionally unstable and mentally challenged because they are suppressing so much pain pretending they don’t carry it or don’t hurt anymore. Instead of allowing yourself go through pain fully, if you suppress and try to hide it and bottle it up, you will eventually be sick in your soul then later in your body.

Can I drop this on you, a real man cries, there is nothing wrong with shedding tears, it’s a healing process from that pain, it’s therapeutic. Crying is the proof that you’re a real man not a pretender.

Many people who have refused to embrace their pain but shove it aside consequently become very dangerous to themselves and the society. Many become bitter and angry at people and at life. Many become cheats, robbers, abusers; they become wicked and insensitive, truth is many who try to suppress their pain become drunkards and most men that beat their wives actually carry within a lot of pain they've refused to embrace.

My dear friend, embrace your pain, think about it, cry about it, wine about, complain and express everything you feel about it. Don’t let anyone keep you quiet or ask you to forget about it or tell you it’s okay, it is not, don’t let anyone use spirituality or maturity to shut you up, you’re still in the flesh, express all you feel as a human being. 

Express how and what you feel; acknowledge the pain, embrace the pain and mourn till you’re satisfied. Then take that painful experience, bury it and walk away from it forever. Never go back to it, never refer to it, and never exhume it. It should remain buried and buried in your past for life.

Strength is not avoiding and denying your pain and hurt, it’s in acknowledging, embracing, enduring, and recovering from it. Pain is useful and productive, as painful as it may sound you must embrace your pain.

Take that pain. 

Written and Compose By: Muyiwa Afolabi (CEO Frontiers Consulting)

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