A LISTENING EAR.

Efficient communication is the most essential aspect of sustaining a great and enduring relationship. Communication is the oil of relationships. Without efficient communication in place, there’s bound to be frequent friction and misunderstanding amongst people and teams.

Many theories and thesis have been put together on this subject communication. Through history mankind has sought to understand how to better communicate, as the importance of clear, unequivocal communication would rule out retrogression, stagnation, and slow pace of activation and minimize conflicts and wars with mankind.

Communication for years has been and still remains a major subject in academic provision. Students and scholars must learn how to communicate effectively. The ability to conceive information, encode, relay, deal with interference, decode and respond correctly remains very important and relevant as a process to all, if we want to take maximum advantage of improved communication as mankind.

Beyond verbal, nonverbal communication must also be well understood for all to be carried along in commonness and clarity of purpose.

However, for many years, many of us have learnt to express ourselves to the best of our abilities. We, by default activate the communication process and seek to obtain the desired feedback from our respondents each time we speak.

Many have thus learnt to speak impeccably, clearly and eloquently. Our dexterity in conceiving ideas and conveying it in the most excellent manner has grown and is still growing globally.

We have in our world today, professional speakers, who have perfected the art of delivering ideas, concepts, opinions and views, so very clearly without ambiguity or confusion, even over electronic media where the opportunity for immediate feedback, response and clarification is not even so much in place.

The ability to express opinions expertly and succinctly has made audio and video coaching a viable approach to learning these days, thanks to the excellence and perfecting of expression.

All around the world, the power of speech and of speaking has made men relevant, popular, and even scored them as great leaders. The ability to influence people with oratory power is a must have for any leader who wants to go very far quickly.

Many today still covet that gift if it can be called a gift, many want to learn and know how to speak well, many want to learn to influence others by great speaking, we all want to improve our ability to speak clearly and be understood but, very few of us are actually interested in learning how to listen attentively and efficiently.

The communication process is a cycle where the ability to listen well is as important as the ability to speak well. No matter how good the speaker is, if we do not learn to listen, the whole process and purpose of speaking gets defeated.

Listening is one of the most difficult tasks men find to do. Many of us have not mastered the art of listening and in fact don’t even think it’s important to learn how to listen.

The greatest of our relationship challenges stems from our listening weaknesses. The reason why many argue and drag issues for so long is simply because during a dialogue or a negotiation; when they are quiet, they are not actually listening, they are waiting for their turn to talk, their silence is to give you an opportunity to be done so that they can express their opinion and not respond to your submission.

Because this is their frame of mind when you are speaking, they have blocked out whatever you’re saying, hence won’t consider it or see your point.

Many matters that ought to be resolved in 5 minutes can take 5 hours because the discussants are not listening to one another; they are busy trying to sell their opinion and view through oratory power.

Because winning and having their way is more important to them than welcoming and submitting to superior arguments, they keep looking for a loophole in your submission and they interrupt every time they feel you have said something in your advocacy they can use against your position.

It’s particularly interesting when you hear discussants in an argument in real life or over the electronic media the number of times you hear them emphasizing the word ‘listen, listen, listen first’ to one another it’s amazing!

As mankind, we love to talk, we find it hard to listen because we always assume we have superior answers, we just want to go and sell our view without considering the other party’s.

We also hate to listen and would reject the views of others because we may have guessed they have a superior argument that may affect our personal wish, interest and position so we want to block it out and pretend it’s not in question.

We also hate to listen when we are guilty about a matter and we don’t want to accept our guilt or take responsibility, so we choose to argue and refuse to listen. We also hate to listen when we suddenly discover we are wrong but feel too proud to accept our wrong because we are embarrassed about being wrong.

Many relationships have broken down, friendships destroyed, clashes erupted, and settlements and communities totally destroyed not because people can’t talk but because people do not listen.

Many of us today have lost great friends, missed great opportunities; destroyed our families and children because we don’t listen. We hate to listen, we love to laud our views and opinions over others even if it kills us; our will must be done! Our position must prevail...

Another very sad tradition prevalent in our part of the world is the pride and sense of superiority that makes listening to women and children belittling.

In our traditional lifestyles, women have no voice and children have no say, men hate to listen to women or children, they feel it is demeaning and unfortunately many selfish and abusive traditions have been enacted because women and children were not allowed to speak.

Even in some homes in our societies till now; I’m talking about very civilized, educated people, when there are squabbles or misunderstandings amongst siblings, some naïve parents insist the younger sibling must not speak and only the older one should speak and whether the younger one is guilty or not, has been cheated or not, he mustn’t speak, it is termed disrespect for a younger person to express views and prove an older person is wrong.

This archaic mentality some have transferred to the office environment where their subordinates should never speak while they’re speaking. Some bosses hate to listen to the views, opinions and ideas of their subordinates; they feel they know it all and nothing worthwhile or useful can come from the mouth of a subordinate.

They run the office the way the homes they come from is run. Sadly, many very wonderful ideas, solutions and ways out have been missed because of our inability to listen to others.

Listening is as important as speaking, great communication must balance the powers of speaking clearly and listening attentively, if you don’t listen, speaking has lost its power to produce.

Being a good listener is one of the best favors you can do you. When you listen, you become very wise and intelligent; you make brilliant choices and decisions, you win the confidence of others and enjoy the approval and admiration of many. Suddenly, you become a superstar because you have your own ideas and the ideas of others!

Paying good attention is the antidote to several conflicts, misunderstanding and even wars globally.

Your inability to keep friends and maintain good relationships may be traceable to your poor listening habit.

When you hate to listen, you assume so many things and create your own version of what you think happened which on most occasions is not the perfect picture.

Many marriages have crashed because of unconfirmed suspicion and the refusal to listen to the way things really happened, many employees have been unfairly dealt with and fired because their bosses wouldn’t listen to their own side of the story.

Generally speaking, our poor listening habit has been a major hindrance to individual and collective progress in life.

To be a good listener, you need to follow and master these great habits; they are as follows:

1.  Be attentive; don’t interrupt, listen till the speaker is completely finished.
2.  After the speaker is done speaking, pause, internalize, be sure you understand before responding.
3.  It’s possible to have an idea or clue as to what the speaker is talking about, don’t say what’s on your mind; what you’ve heard or what you    know about the matter just yet; respond only to what the speaker says first.
4.  Ask questions for clarification; be sure you understand exactly what the speaker is saying and what he means.
5.  Give a clear feedback in your words based on what the speaker has said not based on assumptions, insinuations and speculations.

Your ability to listen will greatly improve your relationship with others. It will keep you involved with other people and frankly you’ll live happier and longer. Learn to listen my dear friend.

Written and Composed by: Muyiwa Afolabi (CEO Frontiers Consulting